Thursday, 7 June 2007


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“My family members do not support me in whatever I do anymore due to some past mistakes I have made. I regretted and wanted to set things straight but the “TRUST” has long been gone. My career had gone down the drain due to my bad karmic energy to secure any job, even at this present age. My financial status is way below danger level for me ever to pick up again. Not even a single soul realized my hardship to lay a hand to bail me out this crisis. Life has not been as smooth as I would have expected it to be. And worst of all, my girlfriend has fallen in love with someone else. All this hit me simultaneously, thus bringing sadness to me and only I myself will know and feel the depression, the worst of its kind in my entire life. It hurts so much after all the efforts, devotions and attentions I have put in to make my life more meaningful. My aim, my plan for my future has gone chaotic. There is nothing to push me forward to enrich my life further. It's over, and I wish I could die, right here, right now. Everything that has made me happy, made me safe, made me whole, is gone. My world has stopped spinning and my mind has stopped working. I am in a daze. I often hide myself and cry uncontrollably daily ever since, if only someone knows. Life seems so meaningless for me to go on alone and the future is too painful for me to imagine.”

Anyone who has ever been in depression or has been in more than two close relationships in his lifetime has experienced the above. I know I have. It is something no one likes to admit to, especially in this part of the world where failures and “too many” ex-girlfriends have a way of haunting one with bad reputation.

First let me say that death will achieve ultimate freedom from pain, fear, and depression. It is also the only way to experience complete peace. The hell of this pointless life and existence holds absolutely no meaning or reason to live. Nothing matters anymore because the deep pain is all that can be felt, and every day it only gets worse and worse. No one cares! They have proven it by how they hurt me by never giving me the trust and another chance to prove myself. LIFE IS A LIE! The voice inside says freedom from the pain is to just end it, so get it over with. I know these things and I know how to commit suicide because I did it. Did I? Of course I did not or else I would not be here to post this article.

Let me explain... My whole life really sucks and the deep black hole just kept getting deeper and darker. There was no way out, nothing anyone could say changed the fact that my life was hopeless and to die was the only answer. So I made a decision to end it all and I did it. I killed myself, but did not die completely. What actually died were my mind and all the pain in my heart. I am still physically alive, but everything else died and the whole world looked different to me afterwards. I escaped and the freedom from the pain was awesome. You can physically feel that lump in your heart growing larger each day and the tears will just drop uncontrollably. Let me tell you a secret. You do not have to physically die to end it all. You will be so glad when the “old you” is dead because you just cannot go on another day like this... Can you? You do not want to make a mistake because you do not get a second chance to prove your worthiness after this.

It all starts without warning, a loved one or trusted authority thrusts a sharp dagger slicing deep into your innocent heart shattering its safe world of love with betrayal. A reflex pulls the heart away as the first painful emotion brings a fear of death and insecurity. Stunned in disbelief, the mind scrambles to make sense of the puncture the heart has just sustained. Confused and unable to comprehend the assault, you accept full responsibility that you are at fault. Year after year the pattern continues, as trust becomes a distant memory.

Deep within solitude and far from discovery the mirror of the buried heart reflects failure and loneliness. The mind caught off guard responds with a legion of proof that the inner voice is a lie. As time passes and silent to all others, the heart's once small whisper increases to a scream which the mind can not suppress anymore. Plunging into a darkness of conviction and despair, a knowing of the failure permeates the body. Shocked by the inner betrayal, a rage is created that will not relent. Over and over you seek for the one to blame, but none can be found. Through desperate fear, the mind has the solution. You are the one to blame.

The now silent heart slowly dies unaware of its gradual fate as despair trickles into the cold voids where the dream once lived. Day after day the darkness kills thoughts before they transform into action bringing a paralysis to life. Moving deeper and deeper into hopelessness, your dream no longer exists. Replaced with a cold hatred, death is the only escape.

to be continued

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